Pillow Blog: Six Anecdotes About My Cat

In honour of International Cat Day, which might be a real holiday but may also have just been willed into existence through the collective force of the Internet, here is a list devoted to the one, the only, Marvin C. Protagitron.

Who, Me?

Six Anecdotes About My Cat

1. Marvin's original owner named him Zaphod. I renamed him Marvin because I hated the name Zaphod. I named him after Marvin Gaye, because he was so vocal. Now I realize I should have named him Wilhelm, after the Wilhelm Scream.

2. At the height of his annoying howling stage, I tried to rehome him with three different people, all of whom flaked out at the last minute. This collection included his previous owner, by the way. After the third time, I decided I was going to figure out a way for the furry little jerk to live with me. So now Marvin and I live in semi-peace, out of spite towards the flakiness of others. Spite is a powerful force, perhaps stronger than love.

3. Dan and I have created a rich interior life for Marvin, where he plots to kill us and fantasizes about having relations with Gary Busey. When we pretend to be Marvin we adopt the same voice as Christian Bale used for Batman. We've decided that what Marvin likes best about Gary Busey is his teeth.

4. Alternate names for Marvin include the Orange Menace; Katsu, Cat-King of the Kaiju; and Stinky Man.

5. Dan hated living with Marvin at first and still maintains that he doesn't like him. However, I have photo evidence of Dan picking up the cat and nuzzling him. He also asked Marvin last week if he loved him. The cat remained silent.

6. In spite of the hours of grief and hundreds of dollars spent on this cat, I love him. He keeps my feet warm at night and welcomes me home from work with the loveable shrieks of a banshee (it's an acquired taste). I've lived with three very different cats so far, and they've all enriched my life with much more than just cat hair. Even Marvin.

Pillow Blog: Some Classic Films for Bad Times

Right now, the world seems particularly heartbreaking and awful. The only thing to do is to fix it, of course. There are too many things a person can do, both small (donating money to the Emanuel AME Church) and large (helping to build a more just society) to ever feel truly hopeless. But sometimes I forget to feel that optimistic. When I feel this way, the only thing that can make me bear the real world is to escape into a beautifully constructed artificial one. Golden Age Hollywood films are my tonic of choice. And yes, it's odd that these films both represent and perpetrate so many harmful systems; but reason and comfort aren't always good company. Here are my personal favourites:

1. My Man Godfrey: This film is screwball perfection. The outfits are fashion perfection. Carole Lombard is perfection. Either the gorilla scene or the dishwashing scene will make you laugh, but both probably will.
2. The Thin Man: Nick and Nora are the ideal married couple. They have fun, they're clearly still hot for each other, and they're perpetually drunk off their asses. I don't have the liver for that lifestyle and thus I am likely doomed to a lifetime of unfulfilling relationships (don't tell Dan). I think there's a murder mystery in this, but it's not that important because you're here for cocktails with the Charleses.
3. Singin' in the Rain: Perhaps the best musical ever made in Hollywood. Film history would be a sad affair without Gene Kelly, Donald O'Connor, and Debbie Reynolds striding arm in arm in their rain slickers.
4. Top Hat: There's something magical about seeing Ginger Rodgers dance in a completely feathered dress. I'm sure it would have looked ridiculous in real life; lost feathers start to litter the dance floor as the scene goes on. Doesn't matter. Fred Astaire and Ginger don't miss a step.
5. It Happened One Night: This movie completely misrepresented the allure of traveling by Greyhound, in that it indicated it might have some. However, Claudette Colbert and Clark Gable are so charming I've always forgiven the film for this lie. It's funny and a little sexy, probably because the Walls of Jericho (the bedsheet separating the unmarried travellers) stays up until the very last scene.

Pillow Blog: 5 CBC Personalities I Thought Would Go Down Before Evan Solomon

In the tradition of the Sei Shonagon's Pillow Book, here's a Pillow Blog: an observational list on some subject or another. In this case, five CBC personalities I thought would go down before Evan Solomon, with their absurd potential malfeasance:

• Ian Hanomansing for stealing all that maple syrup that went missing in Quebec
• Rex Murphy for drug smuggling
• Peter Mansbridge for running a fight club behind his Stratford home
• Wendy Mesley for importing knockoff designer bags
• IdeaswithPaulKennedy for stealing copper wire from the recording studio

And yet, somehow, it's Evan Solomon for making art deals on the side. The code names are a fun touch though, "the Guv" for Mark Carney, and "Anka" for Jim Balsillie. If I ever buy art from a CBC host, I want my code name to be "El Camino" and the host to be either Steven or Chris, but not both. Anyway, this whole affair is doing a great deal to restore my interest in Evan Solomon, an interest formerly drained by nearly every episode of Power and Politics I ever tried to watch.

Pillow Blog: Thoughts I Had While Watching Avengers 2: The Age of Ultron

In the tradition of the Sei Shonagon's Pillow Book, here's a Pillow Blog: an observational list on some subject or another. In this case, the thoughts I had while watching The Age of Ultron. Mild spoilers follow.

• "Remember when they used to hand the 3D glasses to you when they ripped your ticket? That was nice. It was almost as if you mattered, instead of having to root around in some battered cardboard boxes like a GARBAGE ANIMAL."
• "That freeze frame with all of the team members in action? Dumb. So very dumb."
• "Were movies always this loud?"
• "The next time Tony Stark makes a quip, I hope another character just walks up to him, swiftly kicks him in the nuts, and then walk away WITHOUT SAYING A WORD."
• "Hey, it's Linda Cardellini! Girl, you're everywhere this year!!"
• "This scene between Black Widow and the Hulk would be a lot more touching if the dialogue hadn't just implied that she was a monster because she was infertile. Guess the more birth control pills I take, the closer I tap dance over to the dark side."
• "I'm really concerned about all of these people in this African city that Iron Man and the Hulk are tearing apart, but I guess we can count on Tony to throw some money at the problem. Why did they ever give this guy a super suit? His most useful superpower is just great gobs of cash."
• "I'm sleepy. I want a nap."
• "Hawkeye is totally Giles and the Scarlet Witch is definitely a Buffy/Willow hybrid in this moment."
• "I hope I die like that, making a glib quip about my violent and impending death."
• "Won't the thousands of people displaced when Ultron turned their Eastern European city into a flying saucer need to be housed somewhere? Maybe one of the Avengers could superheroically monitor the water quality at the refugee camp??"
• "Ugh, I hope Vision saving Scarlet Witch doesn't mean we'll get a retread of their nutty love story from the comics in film form. Magic robot babies, and so on."
• "Can I still make the last train? No."

Pillow Blog: Paired Pros and Cons of Cohabitation

In the tradition of the Sei Shonagon's Pillow Book, here's a Pillow Blog: an observational list on some subject or another. 

Dan and I have been living together for about nine months, and Marvin has still not stopped bitching about it. Like my extremely annoying but rather cute cat, cohabitation has been a mixed experience. In no particular order, here are some of the pros and cons of living together I've experienced so far:

• Dan works from home, so I can get him to pick up my holds at the library
• I have basically recreated my parents' relationship dynamics, which is weird and gross
• I now have access to Dan's impressive collection of DVDs and Blu-Rays
• My living room now has a shelf that functions as a shrine to dying technology, and I would really like to put an armchair there instead
• Regular warm body to cuddle up next to
• Regular obstacle to complete bed domination during sleep
• Dan's feelings towards the cat have improved
• Marvin's feelings towards us have worsened, and he now believes Dan and I have banded together to annoy him
• I now have a deep fryer, microwave, and popcorn popper
• Our kitchen isn't big enough for all of our kitchen crap
• Someone to talk to
• Someone who tries to kiss me when I'm trying to think
• Shared living costs
• Financial decisions must now also be shared
• Someone to watch Mad Men with
• Someone who refuses to watch Game of Thrones with me
• We can team up to make doughnuts together on a Sunday morning
• ... 
• ...
• There's no cons for that one

Overall, the pros are somewhat stronger than the cons, though the cat would beg to disagree.

Pillow Blog: 80s Relationship Troika

In the tradition of the Sei Shonagon's Pillow Book, here's a Pillow Blog: an observational list on some subject or other.

Three perfect songs from the 1980s, arranged to form the story of an imaginary relationship:


Kate Bush, Hounds of Love (You fell in lust; "Oh, here I go! Don't let me go!")


New Order, Bizarre Love Triangle: (You're unsure; "Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday")


Womack and Womack, Teardrops: (You fucked it up; "And the music don't feel like it did when I felt it with you")

Pillow Blog: Assorted Pieces of Canadian Culture That Almost Make Me Patriotic

In the tradition of the Sei Shonagon's Pillow Book, here's a Pillow Blog: an observational list on some subject or another. 

1. Léolo: This movie is everything Canadian cinema should be, but rarely is: big, bold, a little grotesque. Instead we usually get reel after reel of earnestness. With each year that passes since Jean-Claude Lauzon's untimely death, I worry a little more about Léolo's legacy - give it a viewing and save me from this anxiety.
2. Beautiful Losers: Leonard Cohen, as walking, croaking, bagel-buying myth can rub me the wrong way, probably because the fact of his talent is so evident. It's annoying. Anyway, I read Beautiful Losers decades after it was published, when I was still only 19, and still knew it was cooler than I could ever hope to be.
3. Pas de Deux: Perhaps some of Norman McLaren's other work is more groundbreaking, but Pas de Deux is arresting in its beauty. Somehow through the repetition of ballet dancers and their bodies do you find their form and purity.
4. "Raven and the First Men," Bill Reid: There's something about including a piece of indigenous art on a list that includes both "Canadian" and "patriotic" in the title that makes me stop; it makes those words sound hollow. As they should, I think. Perhaps what I'm listing here are the things, made within the borders that set out a concept called Canada, that make me feel honoured to share that space with them.
5. Canadian Heritage Minutes: Here's a tonal shift from my last entry. And let's talk about earnestness! Still, as commercials for Canadian history, CHMs have taught the subject as well as most middle school teachers can manage, or at least those I encountered at the Upper Grand District School Board. The Sam Steele one is indisputably the best.
6. Joni Mitchell: I listen to "Both Sides Now" and open one can of beer. Then "River" and I'm drinking two. If I make it to "A Case of You," I'll be finished all six that night, so don't disturb me before 11am tomorrow.

Pillow Blog: Some Things I'll Miss About Tim's

Tim Horton's and Burger King might join forces. And though it's kind of like when Tim's and Wendy's did the same a few years ago, that doesn't stop it from being big news. For Canadian news, that is. The "man on the street" interviews seem mostly concerned with one thing: Would that mean Burger King takes over food operations at Tim's? Could extra large sodas and salty fries replace our double doubles and sugary donuts? Eh, probably not. Tim Horton's has its finger on the sluggish, cholesterol-choked pulse of Canada's food tastes. Still, if the worst did happen, here's what I would miss about our national coffee chain:

• Bagel BELTs. But only when hungover. And with some sort of cheese-covered specialty bagel. God, you're gross, but also suddenly sober. 
• Sour Cream Glazed Doughnuts. Here's the secret about Tim Horton's. They may put the date on the coffee pot, but you don't really know how long the doughnuts have been there. I once saw pumpkin spice 'nuts for sale at a Tim's. In March. However, the sour cream glazed doughnut is a reliable choice. The dough is already moister thanks to the sour cream, and the glaze seals it from even the most punishing rest stop air. These are the things you learn on many family trips along Canada's highways! 
• Timbits at work. With nearly any other work treat, you're limited by shame and social graces to one piece. Not so with Timbits. As long as no one is looking, who's to say if you had one Timbit or six?
• Related: the work Tim's run. Social bonding at its finest.
• The Honey Crueller doughnut. If I'm feeling lucky, I pass over the reliable sour cream glazed for the treacherous, yet occasionally rewarding, territory of the crueller. What mysteries are contained in its many folds and crevices? What fairy magic renders its insides so spongy and delicious? Perhaps a second one will unlock its secrets. 
• Oh heck, the Iced Capp. But only once a summer, because it's the adult Slurpee. 

Pillow Blog: Sounds that Remind Me of Montreal

• Fireworks that I can't see
• Taxi wheels at 4am
• Drunken men yelling
• The metro announcer's pronunciation of "McGill"
• TamTam drums

Pillow Blog: Brief Descriptions of Three Nightmares I've Recently Had

Recent nightmares:

• I'm working in a Chapters Bookstore (this isn't the nighmarish part)... but I'm a bad employee. I'm perpetually late to work. The manager calls me out on this, and I try to convince him to let me keep my job, but he makes it clear that he thinks I'm stupid and fires me anyway
• I'm watching a movie in a theater. A fight breaks out, and spills over into the hallway outside. I try to go and break it up, but then one of the people fighting picks up the other one and THROWS HIM OVER THE BALCONY (you would think this would be the climax of the dream, but no.) The theater manager is giving refunds because of the murder and all, but when I ask for one he says "I don't want to give YOU one." I tell him I went out to stop the fight, but he smirks at me and says "I'm sure." No refund for Marty - just the gift of PTSD
• I need to file some form with the government. I recognize the girl working there from high school. She's singularly unhelpful, and when I try and play the high school buds card, she gives me what for. Apparently I was the WORST in high school, and now she's going to get some cold, bureaucratic revenge on me

Analysis: I have some issues. Also, I need to avoid movie theaters.

Pillow Blog: Four Books I'm Ashamed to Have Never Finished Reading

1. Ulysses - James Joyce: I sometimes miss teenage Protagitron (let's call her Protagiteen.) Yes, Protagiteen was a seething mess of hormones and pretentions, but she had spirit. For example, Protagiteen purchased a hardcover edition of Ulysses from a used bookstore in high school, convinced she would not only finish this modernist masterpiece, but complete understand it. Eight years later, the bookmark remains on p. 288
2. To The Lighthouse: Another book added to the to-read list in high school, except this one was never even started. I blame the patriarchy for that. And my laziness.
3. Infinite Jest: I meant to read this last year. I bought a copy and everything. I convened a book club around this, partly as a joke (who would have a book club on Infinite Jest?), partly to make myself read more of it. It didn't work. The voice of my generation sits, silenced, on my bookshelf.
4. The Bible: But it's not like I'll get in trouble for skipping this one, right?
   *pits of hellfire open beneath feet*
   ... crap.

Pillow Blog: Supposedly Healthy Things I've Done Recently, and their Worrisome Side Effects

In the tradition of the Sei Shonagon's Pillow Book, here's a Pillow Blog: an observational list on some subject or another.

1. Commuter biking: In spite of (hopefully) increased physical health, my mental health has taken a dip as I'm now convinced everyone either hates me (best case scenario) or wants me dead (taxi cab driver scenario)
2. Reducing coffee intake: Productivity down to historic lows; I may, in fact, be sleepworking through the first three hours of my job every day now
3. Meditating before sleep: Oh look, I'm learning to centre myself after a long day at work. Oh look my blood pressure's dropping. Oh look, I'm somewhere else and NOW I CAN'T SLEEP BECAUSE THERE'S NO STRANGER TALKING IN MY EAR

Pillow Blog: Stores I Hate Going To, And Why

1. Wal-Mart: Because you can't go one aisle without coming across a crying baby
2. The Goodwill Near My House: There are nice Goodwills, and there are sad Goodwills, and then there's this Goodwill, where there's layer of grime seems to cover everything, even the stainless steel pots. Also, the cashier refuses to speak to me, in spite of my increasingly demented level of cheer.
3. Seduction on Yonge Street: Where couples desperate to save their failing marriages shop for naughty adult board games, shortly before they begin to google divorce lawyers. 
4. Forever 21: Forever Peter Pan collars 

Pillow Blog: My Top 10 Criterion Collection Films

The Criterion Collection hosts a series of Top 10 lists on its site, so notables can tell you all about their favourite films in the collection. I'm not famous. I'm not even ambitious. But here are mine anyway:

• The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp
• Mystery Train
• Beauty and the Beast
• Amarcord
• The Third Man
• The Last Days of Disco
• Crumb
• Ivan the Terrible Pt. I and II (cheating? perhaps.)
• My Man Godfrey
• Ran

Feel free to clip and save for the next time you're lost at the video store!

Pillow Blog: Small Pleasures

Another commentary-free list, this time of things which have made me feel content in the past few days. Gotta balance the consistent negativity of the last few posts.

1. Kraft Dinner
2. The fur on my cat's forehead
3. Having a cappuccino and a pastry between an appointment and work
4. The light in the Wychwood library branch
5. The smell of Earl Grey tea
6. Wearing handknit socks and leggings
7. Thinking of Trinity Bellwoods park in the summertime
8. Rediscovering my Sleater-Kinney CD
9. Two quilts on a cold night
10. Texts featuring my dog from my Dad

Pillow Blog: Irritation

A list of things that have irritated me today, as my tooth holes remain tender. Presented without commentary.

1. My cat
2. Amanda Palmer
3. TED talks
4. Ice cream
5. Me, for eating too much ice cream
6. My stomach, for not being able to hold too much ice cream
7. This guy
8. That guy
9. That other guy
10. Chamber music

Music, Movies and Zombies

I've been obsessed with this song, Mes Bottes De Sept Lieues by Le Husky for the past week, so I'm linking to it here as a soundtrack for the following links. Have fun and learn something.

1. Ugh, Canada: The saplings around the site of the G20 conference might be torn up. Why? Because "The trees could be ripped out of the ground by demonstrators 'and then you’ve got a huge bar,' said Constable Wendy Drummond, a spokeswoman for the Integrated Security Unit." Yes, a scrawny, vegan anti-globalization protestor will tear one up from the ground and start flinging it around like a bo staff, roots and all. Because such protesters fucking hate tress. And have the strength of the Hulk.

2. Remember how, a week ago, I wrote about The Small Back Room and its wacky alky scene? Well, it seems that The Onion's AV Club is more positively inclined. You can watch the whole thing there and judge for yourself.

3. Should we kill the label of America's Sweetheart? Alyssa Rosenberg thinks so. I'm not totally convinced, except by her argument that Ms Congeniality 2 sucks. Seems like this is almost a case of hating the player and not the game to me.

4. From Tiger Beatdown: Is splicing horror elements into classic literature remixing or just a ripoff? And what are the gender politics of all this? I think Garland Grey comes on a little strong, but at first I thought at least the fact that all the works getting injected with zombies, sea monsters, vampires and the like are written by women was a point worth investigating. Then I found this: Android Karenina. Well then.

Things That Have Hindered My Productivity In The Past Week

The Most Recent Batch:

1. Crappy webcomics that turn all twentysomethings into glib caricatures but remain oddly addictive
   
2. Writing out Christmas cards, because for some reason I think they must be ready by the last week of... November
   
3. The consumption of wine gums
4. The constant battle of my knife versus those onions
5. Pointless crushes on unsuitable gentlemen

Currently, the only thing in my corner aiding productivity is my chain-drinking tea habit. I remain optimistic, however.

Department of Canons and Mysteries

Only one class changed my life in second-year university, and it managed to do so while showing me samurais getting skewered in the neck and rent boys getting screwed. I'm sure you've all guessed by now that class was Shakespeare on Film. I thought of it this morning when I woke up at 5:30 with my cat's paw on my back and his breath in my ear, and a line from a Rilke poem running through my head. Blame the lecturer. The first day of class she read Archaic Torso of Apollo to us, whose last bit reads

" and not from every edge explode
like starlight: for there's not one spot
that doesn't see you. You must change your life."

It was the last sentence. And I could hear it in Jenn's voice. "You must change your life." I must change my life? How? Would either my favorite masters student or sickly German poet please tell me? I do not know. This is all a mystery. I hope the change is something more meaningful than doing the dishes more often.

Also, a conversation with my roommate last night reminded me that movies or TV with believable, likable teen girls are rare. So rare, I'm trying to come up with a girl canon. So far, I have Daria, Freaks and Geeks, Ghost World, and both Buffy and Juno to some (very articulate) extent. If anyone has any other suggestions for the Girl Canon, please send them in.

A Spot of Bother

No pictures this post, although the plain cardigan is puttering along nicely. The past few weeks have been nothing but full, and I'm feeling rather breathless at this point. I've taken up smoking, although right now it's more of a hobby that I find amusing than a lifestyle choice. I also hold my cigarettes like I'm Norma Desmond without the holder, so it will probably remain that way. I'm writing a paper on an action figure. God bless Cultural Studies. And I've come the unfortunate conclusion that my hapless heart will always triumph over my logical brain. And not only because I'm terminally doomed to express myself like a moron when it comes to matters political. A maroon, even. A veritable dumdum.

No, I decided this because I keep on making the same mistakes when it comes to another person. My brain is all "Seriously, girl? No." But then my heart is all "I do what I want! Outta my way!" And it's all become a little sad and ragged, because my heart keeps on winning out. And I want the underdog to win one, so I'm working on things.

Here, until I have pictures of Manosy goodness, a list of three dolls I secretly want to own, when I am old and don't care if people think I'm a crazy doll-owning nut :
1. Barbie Catwoman
2. Madame Alexander Pride and Prejudice (Ah, the fine line between cute and Chucky)
3. Tonner NYCB Coppelia (I also love the ballet)