Guelph By The Thingies: Real Estate Business Card

Guelph isn't all locally-sourced squares and indie bookstore newsletters, no matter what my previous entries would have you believe. So far I think I've skewed things to reflect the Guelph I mostly grew up with, which happens to be a Guelph delineated by what was in walking distance from my house.

My house was close to downtown though, which meant that I had easy access to the bakery and bookstore I talked about earlier. However, that also meant I needed a drive to Guelph's true shopping Mecca, Stone Road Mall, when it was time to go back to school.

There were cheaper clothes in other strip malls, and classier ones at boutiques downtown, but for mid-priced, middle-of-the-road style that would get you through high school (Then: The American Eagle Equilibrium. Now: Whatever It Is The Kids Like), Stone Road Mall was where it was at. And around it, there were satellite strip malls, with even more shopping options, at that time mostly Staples and the pet store.

The mall has even metastasized since I left, with more stores, a fireplace in the food court and even larger big box stores opening down the street. I walked around it all, hoping to find something that represented all the growth. But everything construction-related was safely kept away and anything else was priced. Finally, I went to guest services, where they told me the administration offices were closed and handed me a business card instead.

Maybe this "Anna Grant" has the answers to how far the Stone Road Mall will grow. I don't think it will be much, since it's already pushing its parking boundaries. Then again, who knows? Maybe they will collapse space and time around a Gap, and the mall will finally be larger than the downtown itself.

*Sorry I didn't post this last Friday - I ended up being really busy on the weekend.

Guelph By The Thingies: With The Grain Square

With The Grain is a local bakery that opened up when I was about 11. Back then, they had a tiny storefront in a house and just sold bread. Now they have risen like so many yeasty loaves to take over three buildings and offer everything edible from scones to squares to bread to jams. Basically, anything that makes the latest issue of the Globe and Mail go down easy.

And they've deserved every bit of success, because everything they sell is delicious. Also, rather dense, so you really get your money's worth. For example, the square you see here - a slice of seasonal, Ginger-Peach cheesecake - might seem pricey at $4.25. However, that's only half of the square. And considering With The Grain's philosophy of using "fresh, local, and natural ingredients" those peaches are probably real Ontario peaches (which, for people unlucky enough to grow up elsewhere, are golden orbs worthy of Zeus himself) and the ginger has been ground by donkeys at a sanctuary or something. Then again, at With The Grain, it could come from Satan himself and people would still flock there.

Tomorrow: I venture to Stone Road Mall in search of an artifact of Guelph's sprawl.

Guelph By The Thingies: Guelph Remastered Sign

Right now, construction is everywhere in Guelph. You know how the standard joke for any Canadian city is that there are two seasons, winter and construction? Well, in Guelph it seems that there are three modes. Winter, construction, and MEGA CONSTRUCT OVERDRIVE 3000. We currently appear to be in the latter, with every two blocks or so having some kind of site.

The City even has a name for it, and sadly it is not my infinitely superior version found above. Instead, it is Guelph. Remastered. The posters are actually quite pretty, but the highlight is the slogan: "It'll be worth it."

It's rare to see an ad campaign based on how unconvincing its product's premise can be. Well, at least the ads are ready to placate the irate drivers who can't use Victoria Road. If they don't work though, I have two slogans they can use instead: "Guelph: Please Bear With Us" and "Guelph: Technical Difficulties, Please Stand By." If either slogan is used, I will accept payment in City of Guelph pens and bookmarks. It'll be worth it.

Guelph By The Thingies: Off The Shelf, The Bookshelf Newspaper

This is The Bookshelf (courtesy of Google Images.) Explaining it to Outlanders was one of my most difficult tasks while living in Montreal. I could make it through "local independent bookstore" - Oh, that's great! - "it's pretty much the only one in town" - Cute! - "and sometimes it feels like it has a Medici-like stranglehold on local arts and culture" - which would then earn a disbelieving look. Alright, I exaggerate just a bit, but it's a complex containing a bookstore, restaurant, café and art cinema, so unless $5 popcorn and Avatar is your thing, it's where you'll probably end up in Guelph.


It also publishes its own bimonthly newsletter, complete with cinema listings, book reviews and ads for local therapists and life coaches. A lot of them. Eleven out of forty one ads, if you include Irish spirit wheel workshops, which I do.

At first, I wanted to make fun of that hilariously high percentage, and how living in Guelph sometimes feels like you're stuck in a Dykes To Watch Out For comic strip. Or a historical village dedicated to the 1970s,with very intense interpreters. However, I can't say I would change a thing. There's something comforting, and positively Guelphian (in both senses) in all the therapy media. It's not that this newsletter is saying you must be a better person, or that you will be a better person. It just seems to think, that with enough work, you can be a better person. All problems can be solved, all sexual dysfunctions put to work and all Irish spirit wheels turning as long as you just find the right person with the right credentials.

In this case, Jungian psychoanalysis seems to have the advantage. Two out of eleven ads, for three therapists.

Here's a breakdown of the rest of the ads, just in case you were interested. Me? I just like making pie charts.