The Top 5: Worst Songs I've Listened To On My iPod Repeatedly

1. Physical- Olivia Newton John: This song always conjures images in my mind of thirtysomethings dating in the eighties. They would go to see Tarzan, the Ape Man, eat at an Italian restaurant with real napkins on the table that advertises on TV, then go home and have AquaNet hair sex. It also makes me think of Noam Chomsky. Ahem. Only because it was stuck in my head when I was taking a course on Chomsky, so every day it was all "language must be innate I TOOK YOU TO AN INTIMATE RESTAURANT anarchosyndicalism THEN TO A SUGGESTIVE MOVIE manufacturing consent I WANNA GET PHYSICAL." And this is a problem, since Noam Chomsky getting physical is something I would rather not think about, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

2. One Night in Bangkok- Murray Head, from Chess: This should be number one, but then it would be the first thing anyone would see. Everything about this song is just painfully, painfully bad- the mid eighties attempts by white people, the heavily synthed-out score, and the dated politics. I hated it so much, I would let out a shudder whenever "the ultimate test of cerebral fitness" would roll around, and yet I couldn't help playing it over and over and pretending I was some sort of Thai hooker. I hope the blinds were down. Please send help.

3. The House of the Rising Sun- Santa Esmeralda: I can't help but love Santa Esmeralda, even though all of their songs are about 20 minutes long, broken up into seven minutes segments of them repeating the same thing. I think House deserves a special nod, however, since I think it has the least vocals of any of their songs, and one part that's at least six minutes long, of just the bass playing the same couple of notes over and over again. Then the Mexican horns kick in.

4. My Oh My- Aqua: Clippy-clop hooves. Robin Hood-esque story, where Robin Hood has "no time for luhvehng". Clearly Maid Marian is a clingy bitch. I think Barbie Girl, in its way, is a perfectly good pop song, but this one sucks so hard. And yet I love it so much.

5. Gimme Gimme Gimme- ABBA: Wait for the synth breakdown. I had a whole dance routine set to that. It utilized the ugly couch in my family's basement.