This is What *I* Want You to Think: An Anti-Conspiracy Theory Rant

Before moving to B.C., I found conspiracy theories to be quaint and wacky little things. Oh the joy I felt at seeing a conspiracy theorist in the wild once, eyes a-darting and hands a-fluttering, explaining to a friend how the American government had been the ones responsible for the Oklahoma City bombings. But that was in Montréal, where most of the people were too cynical to trust the government, but also too cynical to trust a poorly-edited website instead. So he was a novelty.

Out here he would have been about as common as a seagull. Conspiracy theories are party conversation in Victoria. I would rather have malicious gossip and petty cattiness. I may even prefer talking about the weather. Instead, I have heard that:

• The U.S. didn't really kill bin Laden
• The U.S. (or at least the FBI, CIA, etc) did kill JFK
• Chemtrails are a real thing
• The government and university scientists are also bouncing radio waves off of those chemtrails to control our weather
  
• We should be growing all our vegetables using hydroponics as the Fukishima disaster has irradiated all of our land
• Bobby Fischer was the victim of a Cold War-era plot that lead to his exile
• D.S.K. was framed
  

All of this conspiracy talk has lead me to develop a ratings system for the theories. "Probably Wrong, But Understandable" is a level 1. Level 2 is "getting wacky." Level 3 is "WHEELS WITHIN WHEELS." Here's how I've rated the former theories:

• The U.S. didn't really kill bin Laden (1)
  
• The U.S. (or at least the FBI, CIA, etc) did kill JFK (2)
  
• Chemtrails are a real thing (2)
  
• The government and university scientists are also bouncing radio waves off of those chemtrails to control our weather (3)
  
• We should be growing all our vegetables using hydroponics as the Fukishima disaster has irradiated all of our land (2)
• Bobby Fischer was the victim of a Cold War-era plot that lead to his exile (1)
• DSK was framed (1)
  

This ratings system can also be applied to various 9/11 conspiracy theories:

• The U.S. knew 9/11 was going to happen, but did nothing to stop it (1)
• The U.S. blew up the planes themselves (2)
• The U.S. strapped propulsion engines to the top of the buildings, there were no planes at all and the JEWS WERE INVOLVED SOMEHOW (3+)

I know I shouldn't care, but I do. Not enough to argue with them-mostly because Beer #6 is when I'm accused of thinking what THEY want me to think, and Beer #5 is when I actually stopped thinking, whether for myself or others. But two reasons and a hangover usually lead to some irritation the next morning.

First reason: conspiracy theories are a waste of effort. Skepticism is a sign of a healthy democracy, but these beliefs are just more blind faith with a different end in mind. Governments and corporations do enough heinous things in the broad daylight that you don't have to waste your time chasing after shadows. Complain about corporate tax loopholes instead of chemtrails. All you need is a tax code and some filings, instead of a shaky grasp of physics and meteorology. These issues are a sideshow to genuine social problems.

Second reason: these theories come down to emotion winning out over logic. Talk to a few of these true believers for a while, and there's a pattern. Step 1: Something doesn't "feel" right about event X. Step 2: They go on the Internet. Step 3: They search out theories that validate their own "feelings" about event X. Step 4: They corner you so that you, too, may begin to see the light. Feelings aren't facts. Don't turn one into the other and call it a plot. It's just bad research. With the increasingly fearful and combative state of politics both here in Canada and down south, less emotion is exactly what we need.

Grudgingly, I'll admit that there's a chance, if slim, that some of these theories might be true. Or maybe the story's so good that it might as well be so. Thanks to my comic book reading habit, I spent most of my adult life believing that FDR knew that Pearl Harbor was going to happen- it was that handy of a narrative. But you know what they say about broken clocks and blind squirrels. They're right, they find nuts, but not often enough to start watching the skies and writing off exploding jets.