I Was a Teenaged Douchenozzle

I remember, in my last year of university, someone saying I was one of the least pretentious people they had ever met.

And I let out a bitter, internal chuckle. First of all, I was pretentious then, I remain so today, and will be pretentious forever. It is my destiny, along with the persistent eczema.

Second, although by that point my pretentious had normalized a little, I was one of the most insufferable people ever to log time at John F. Ross, CVI, back in the mid-aughts.

Those years would have been comfortably forgotten, however, if I had not seen fit to record some of my precious, precious thoughts in a big plaid notebook. A notebook I found this holiday season while visiting the parents. I opened its cover, and opened a Pandora's box of ill-advised clothing picks (it doubled as a look book), optimistic reading lists (it tripled as a depository for lists of all kinds) and awkward doodles (it quadrupled as a sketchbook.)

So, in order to cast out the demons of my high-school self, I have selected some of the worst quotes and most ridiculous photographic evidence for your enjoyment. Be nice, I was lousy with hormones.

1. "It appears that being out of the loop is my destiny in life. In other news, I've seen prezzies for a few people." (11/29/2003) 16 year-old Protagitron: Mistress of the smooth transition.

Hey, at least those shoes are still cute.

2. "The last few weeks of school have been torture. I have no close friends anymore. [Redacted] is gone to the land of makeup and confidence, [Redacted] has decided to keep her secrets and [Redacted] is being a grade-A bitch." (11/30/2003) She's also a person with a firm sense of perspective. Although the land of makeup and confidence sounds like a faaabulous place to visit.

Although nothing excuses that coat.

3. "I'll end up living my nightmare: a faux-intellectual with two whiny kids and a bald husband who's screwing his TA." (11/30/2003) It's good to have goals.

4. "I believe in love by osmosis." (12/05/2003) And tolerance by sublimation!

This page was for everything I thought you would need to be a superhero: a Vespa helmet, a bendy flashlight stand, a hamster belt and a hand-written reminder to pick up pepper spray.

5. "*shudder* beer commercials. playoffs. A proliferation of one leads to an excess of the other." (01/08/2004) No it doesn't.

6. "U2 makes the best songs for melancholy." (01/11/2004) And no they don't.

7. "All I want in life is to be disgustingly talented." (?/?/2004) This quote really gains a lot from being written in what appears to be rose lip liner. Sadly, however, not all of our wishes can come true.