Eco/Illogical

As part of the social contract of living in my current apartment, I have to abide by my landlord’s desire to use only environmentally-friendly products. Which is why I spent last weekend sunning myself under fluorescent lighting, debating the relative merits of dish soap.

The problem is that, once you veer from the path of Old Dutch, you’re suddenly chasing the vanishing point of virtue. No deed is ever good enough. Say you need hand soap, and start out with the store brand. Well, you might as well go down to the local pond and choke all the fish yourself, with what that will do to the algae population. So, you pick up the slightly more expensive store brand, the one that has a tasteful green and brown label and the words organic on it. Well, that’s better, but not good enough – after all, it’s still full of chemical additives and fragrances, in spite of the microscopic amounts of “organic” olive oils. The next is not made locally, the next has cetyl alchohol in it, the next has no alcohol, but has sulfates… and suddenly you’re considering spending over twelve dollars on hand soap.

And this is the point where virtue eludes you entirely. At least, it did for me. Paralyzed between Island Essentials and Nature Clean, I realized my own privilege was debating itself, and wondered if it wasn’t somehow better to spend three bucks on SoftSoap and send the difference to Amnesty International. But then – what about the fish? Surely, the best thing would be to spend over twelve dollars on soap, still send off nine dollars, and do something about the plastic bottle, because it’s hardly biodegradable, NOW IS IT?

By the time I had worked through this exhausting mental calculus, I still hadn’t found the all-crucial integer for keeping food in my belly. So, I spent five dollars on the mid-range natural soap - tragically unscented so no one could smell the eucalyptus and French lavender fumes of my goodness - and left. After all, you can’t save the world when you’re faint from hunger.