My Sketch Of ZombielandI had an idea while watching Zombieland. Only two kinds of people are going to survive in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Those who kick ass, and those who are actuaries. Since actuaries spend all their time assessing risk, they'll know just what to do to avoid being chomped on.
The main character of Zombieland, Columbus, is a university student, not an actuary. But he may as well be one. In the prologue, he explains that America has become overwhelmed by zombies, but he managed to stay alive by following his system of rules. With points underlining the importance of cardio and not being a hero, he minimizes you chances of yelling "Don't do that stupid thing, stupid!" at the screen.
Eventually he meets up with Tallahassee, who has all the balls Columbus needs. Played by Woody Harrelson, he's on a mission to kill zombies and find Twinkies, and Columbus is along for the ride... or at least until they hook up with a set of grifter sisters. That's about where the movie comes to stop, even as the older sister catapults Columbus on his long-delayed trip through puberty.
After that, it feels like the spirits of George Romero and Judd Apatow are fighting for control of the body of director Ruben Fleischer. And Apatow wins, but in all the worst ways. In a long middle passage, almost no zombies have their heads bashed in - and absolutely NONE get disemboweled - while only one human becomes ground beef in a leaden celebrity cameo. Instead the group bonds together and tosses out one-liners. Following all the steps in the Apatow manual, they're the kind of lines that are only funny when delivered by the painfully awkward.
But that doesn't stop the little crew from making it to a theme park. And with the bright lights and loud noises, not to mention the shambling corpses, things become fun again. But it's a little too late to save this movie. I think it was bitten by something - an undead Seth Rogen? - and it's feeling a bit bitey, but very, very talky.
Rating: 3.5/5 zombie-bashing banjos
3 comments:
Dawn of the Dead has, like, 45 minutes without significant zombie action. Just sayin'
Yes, perhaps. But it's never boring. If you're going to start the movie as a fun zombie-killing time, you better keep it up the whole movie without going soft in the middle.
DotD started off a social critique and the zombie-less moments are actually some of the strongest in that respect, so it works.
But I did enjoy your review. Will ever see eye to eye? At least metaphorically, because of our real, physical height difference?
Ok, fair point. I would say that the slow bits of Zombieland are still fairly hilarious, but that's just me. It's certainly no Dawn, but then who would have ever thought it had that kind of potential? I'm more just pleasantly surprised in light of my low expectations.
We'll get there Marty, someday. Whether via something so wretched we both hate it (Transformers 2?), something so transcendental we both love it, or if all else fails a stool/uneven ground/stack of telephone books.
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