Things I Almost Wrote in My Canadian Prose Paper, But Thought Better Of

-And it's a good thing SHE DIDN'T, or else it would be an even more spectacularly dull book and I would have to shoot myself in the head.
-As I wish for the sweet release of death, Ostenso's critique of racism strikes me as limited.
-Please for the love of God, Prof. Woodlouse, end my life.
-... and I should just give up now because you're just going to give me a C, right?
-Can't we negotiate to a B-? I'll bake you a pie.
-A PIE OF HATE AND BITTERNESS, you ass. Also, perhaps, cherries.
-Ostenso didn't write about your penchant for wearing buttondowns with the top button undone and mock turtlenecks, but if she had she wouldn't have liked them. Because mock turtlenecks are kind of like the of the...something sucktacular of the shirt family. Trying to be both a crew neck and a turtleneck at the same time, they fail at both and make me hate everyone who wears them.
-Aww, why did we have to start off hating each other? Or, condescending on your part, and hateful on mine? We could have been friends. Braided each other's hair. Done our nails. Burnt your collection of mock turtlenecks in a great bonfire.
-The offer of pie for grades is still on the table.
-FINE THEN. We can play it your way... Asssssstenso.
-Harriet and Ozzietenso: My Title Has Nothing to Do With My Paper
-Honk Honk Honk Went The Geesie, Zing Zing Zing Went Ostenso's Critique of Racism in Wild Geese
-I think we can both agree that what this book needs is more ponies.
-Listen, you cranky old man, you come from Calgary so you lose. LOOOOOSE!
-Also, I'm sick of your yammering about Eliot. I used to like him too, but now I'm going to take my iPod to class and play Cats really loud because you're the type who would find the rampant synth abuse an offense onto Eliot.
-You're just lucky I hate Cats. And Caleb Gare, from Wild Geese! YAY.
-This is The End of my paperLOL!!!!!!1!!!!! -xoxoxoxoxo1234student